Once Upon a While Ago
by MisoSugi
Summary: Once upon a(n) [Insert another word that means Time] ago, in a land where one Russian man ruled a good 3/8 of the world, there lived a hero. Actually in this case more than one hero... WARNING: Contains angels, talking animals, major restaurant chains, nuclear weapons, Nazis, Yiddish Poetry, Catnip Tequila, and of course PASTA! Rated T just in case... CRACK! :3
1. Chronicle 1

A/N: Hi! So this is my first time and I just want to go ahead and say yes, I'm on crack. No I'm just kidding, but this is just something I came up with during Language. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I used too many references. I **do not** own McDonald's, Asia, Antarctica, Nazis, the song "Hamburger Street", Taco Bell, EarthFare, Wal-Mart, Trader Joes, Costco, Kroger, Edgar Allan Poe's _The Raven, _German Sparkle Parties, profiteroles, or Hetalia. If I did, then well the world would be much worse off...

Warnings: Minimal Swearing and abuse of fictional characters (by me).

**12/17/13 EDIT:** Hey guys! So I was derping around on my account when I realized that I forgot to add some characters at the end of this so I fixed that. Also I when I spell-checked it, I wasn't really paying attention so the words were auto fixed and they're wrong. Again sorry, but I fixed the problem now :D

* * *

Once upon a while ago, a lonely American went on a journey to retrieve a double-cheese burger. Now this cheese burger wasn't any burger...oh wait. Yes, yes it was. Long story short, the American wasn't the smartest person. The American whose name was Alfred had a Russian ally named Ivan. Now Ivan had just recently taken over the entire continent of Asia and Antarctica. He also owned all of the fast-food chains in Asia, including some McDonald's.

In one of those McDonald's were three unhelpful employees; Feliciano, an Italian, Ludwig, a Nazi spy, and Ludwig's older brother Gilbert, who was Prussian. Kiku, another employee, was taking a paid vacation to Japan. (What?! Did you think that I would make my people work 18/7 and not give them vacations? I know I'm an evil dictator but that's just too cruel... –Ivan) Gilbert was egotistical and "awesome." Feliciano was not very bright. Ludwig, well um, he's a Nazi. Their conversation went as follows:

"I'm always so awesome and cool," said Gilbert.

Feliciano yelled, "Pasta!"

Ludwig remained silent.

"I should rule zhe Asian continent and invade its vitals instead of zhis Ivan guy."

"Pasta!"

"..."

"Save me! Ivan was video tapping this room and is detaining me!"

"Pasta!"

"..."

**A few plot lines later...**

The very flamboyant guy from Poland, Feliks, hated the yellow vinyl siding of his once pink house so much that he chucked his car keys in the general direction known as South. It flew a good 2 meters before landing in front of Toris who then picked it up and shoved it into his back pants pocket.

**More plot lines...**

Heracles, after murdering Adnan, decided to write a story about GMOs. It goes like so:

**"**Once upon a time, a boy named Peter had to sell his genetically modified cow whose milk could be used as artificial sweeteners. You see, Peter was craving chocolate and had no food or money. Along the highway he saw an Australian hobo with a crazy koala and went up to the lone duo. "Mr. Hobo sir, will you trade anything for this cow?" Peter asked.

"Yes little one," the koala replied, "I'll give you this bag of beans covered in nuclear sludge."

"What do they do?"

"Chances are, become very large and destroy plant and animal communities and generally obliterate the planet."

"Like the government?"

"Exactly like the government."

Peter considered this. "Okay, we have a deal."

At home he did what any innocently irresponsible kid would do. He planted them.

The next morning when he awoke, Peter noticed that in the middle of his yard was a big green nuclear reactor with a glass elevator sitting at the base. On it, there was a note which read: _Free food up here_. Since Peter really like free food, he rode the elevator. At the top, he was greeted by a floating polar bear who asked, "Who are you?"

Peter instantly recombined the animal as Matthew's and how forgetful the bear was. "If I said I was Matthew, your owner, would you give me food?" The boy asked.

The polar bear thought for a long 4 seconds before nodding and repeating "Who are you?"

"I'm Mathew," Peter lied. The polar bear nodded and hovered to the large building which had magically appeared in the background; Peter followed. At the entrance was a Secret Service agent who handed the boy an application form for food stamps and a list of names who needed to sign up. He crossed out _Matthew Williams _and filled the application. After handing it back for the SS agent to approve it, Peter was confronted by two police officers and the blond Canadian who he was impersonating.

"There that's him!" Matthew half shouted half whispered.

The officer pinned down and handcuffed the child who was still confused as to who was the transparent blond shouting at him. "Peter Kirkland, you are under arrest for impersonation and trespassing."

They all went to the county court. Not only was Peter forced to pay fines for his crimes, but he lost all his land to the government for using nuclear seeds that could possibly endanger the Earth.

The End**"**

Heracles's career skyrocketed; he practically swam in money. Just kidding, he swam in Catnip Tequila. He went outside one day to find a billboard on an adjacent street that said: "Confused with the plot line? Oh well!"

**Time skip!**

Alfred struggled through the desert. He was thinking about how he wished that she was in a dessert instead. _Hopefully not scones_ he thought.

**Meanwhile, in heaven...**

Arthur, the Britannia Angel was having a rough day. First off, scone production was falling. With no humans to buy the pastries, stock prices were going down. Second, with his new competition, Yao and his Chinese Tasty Treats, Arthur was losing customers at a rapid pace. To top it off, Ivan had stopped supporting the bossiness and was now investing in his competition.

**At McDonald's...**

"Pasta is amazing!" Declared Feliciano as he came in carrying in a brief case full of pasta, tomato sauce, wine, and pizza. Feli was eager to share his lunch with the rest of his co-workers during their 5 minute break.

**Back in the desert...**

Alfred paused momentarily to write and sing a song about hamburgers.

**"**Hey you guys! AHAHA!

This is everyone's Hero, America! HAHA!

All Right! Let's go to the HAMBURGER STREET!

Gimme more hamburgers!  
Gimme more hamburgers! (x2)

U-S-A, Oh Yeah!  
It's pretty cool, right? So let's get it on!  
H-B-G, Oh Yeah!  
It's the world's standard, going on  
I only got a map of the USA  
Can't sleep after watching anything scary  
A cute, fighting, nice guy!?  
U-S-A, Here we go!

Gimmie more hamburgers!  
Gimmie more hamburgers!

U-F-O, Oh yeah!  
It's my best friend TONY!  
U-M-A, Oh Yeah!  
The more mysterious stuff the more exciting, so dream on!  
Can't miss ice cream after dinner  
Can't tell what's going on at all (ah-ha)  
Big and many are just to be expected

GIVE ME MORE HAMBURGERS!

In health, HAMBURGERS (and shake-shakes!)  
And in sickness, HAMBURGERS (and French fries!)  
Stick one on the forehead and you'll get better right away  
By the way, Hey boy! What's a cold anyway?  
Being positive is absolutely  
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!

HAMBURGER STREET! I'm the hero of the world!  
HAMBURGER STREET! I'll go if it's for justice, Yeah!  
HAMBURGER STREET! Please back me up, Boys & Girls!  
HAMBURGER STREET! But I won't listen to anyone else, HA!

Gimme more hamburgers!  
Gimme more hamburgers! (x2)

R-E-D HYA HO!  
Of course red's my color because  
U-S-A Oh Yeah!  
It divides me from the other countries, Power down  
My transformation to COOL never fails  
Don't think about anything once it's made (ah-ha)  
Don't even care if someone calls me fat

GIVE ME MORE HAMBURGER!

When you're alone, HAMBURGER (And shake-shakes!)  
Or during a conference, HAMBURGER (Bon appetite!)  
I change flavors every day so I don't get tired of it  
By the way, Hey Girl! How do you lose weight?  
Mail order stuff is absolutely  
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!

HAMBURGER STREET! I'm leader of the conference!  
HAMBURGER STREET! Super-sized tactics, Yeah!  
HAMBURGER STREET! With that party feeling, Boys and Girls!  
HAMBURGER STREET! Not gonna take any crap from Britian!

If we were to compare the world to a hamburger bun ('cause you're stupid)  
Cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions  
Ketchup, pickles, mustard  
All sorts of countries would be in between  
And at the bottom would be the main part  
The above the beloved hamburger  
That would be me, America!

The highly-acclaimed Hero Burger is now on sale, Gates!

HAMBURGER STREET! I'm the hero of the world!  
HAMBURGER STREET! I'll go if it's for justice, Yeah!  
HAMBURGER STREET! Please back me up, Boys & Girls!  
HAMBURGER STREET! But I won't listen to anyone else, AHAHAHAHAHA!

Gimme more hamburgers!  
Gimme more hamburgers! (x2)

Thank you! Thank you for everything you've done for me!  
But I'm just going to leave the rest up to you  
'Cause a hero's job is hard work!**"**

**In heaven...**

Arthur decided to re-brand. He took some advice from the neighboring religion's God of Beauty, Francis, and started running French ads for profiteroles (aka cream puffs) 24/7 around the Earth. They went something like this:

"Quelle est la dernière, délicieux dessert par NOGOM? Il est facile, choux à la crème. Pourquoi est-il mieux que le dessert, vous pouvez demander? Savez-vous pas déjà l'arrière de leur boîte? Les ingrédients vont pour plus de 250 mots! De la plus folle Zutaten protéines végétales texturées et mascarpone sont Esatz poudre subsitute. Il est triste quand vous substituts pour remplacer. Ces substituts ne sont même pas mangeable, ils sont génétiquement modifiés "produits alimentaires". Notre produit est certifié UDSA organique et vérifié par le projet non-OGM. Nous n'avons que onze ingrédients. Ceux qui tentent elle, adore! Critique alimentaire Ima Madeup dit, "Il a la saveur Eimen frais et un merveilleux zing pour un avant-goût." Disponible à Earthfare, Trader Joe, Kroger, et Costco et va bientôt être disponible chez Walmart, il est facile à trouver. Nous faisons également tous nos ingrédients en Amérique et un traitement humain à payer, qui tire bénéfice de nos travailleurs."

**At McDonald's...**

Ludwig decided to build a nuclear war head. It's just rocket science and nuclear engineering.

**Back at the desert...**

Alfred, still on his search for the double cheese burger, had started the newest dance craze by flailing his arms in agony. Even the bird in Edgar Allan Poe's _The Parrot _had it down. We'll just say he's a party animal and leave it at that.

**Another plot-line!**

Did you know that Feli had an older brother? Lovino, who is also Italian, was shopping at Earthfare. He was looking through an assortment of tomatoes when he saw his arch nemesis, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, at the cash register. Determined to steer clear of the Spaniard, he put back the things he wanted to buy and quietly left the store.

**Deserts!**

Alfred sluggishly dragged on until he saw, far in the distance, a huge volcano. Wanting to explore the natural land formation, he ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and jogged and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran until he was at the top. As he stared down into the black pit, Alfred felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and screamed then fell and screamed again. It was Ivan.

**McDonald's****?**

Kiku had returned from paid vacation to Japan and was bored, so he decided to start a Yiddish poetry slam at the third table...

איך 'ווע האט פילע סוטערז.

גריכנלאנד די קאַץ ליבהאָבער,

ענגלאַנד די דזשענטלמען,

אַמעריקע די מאַנגאַ ליבהאָבער,

רוסלאַנד די לאָונער,

פֿראַנקרייַך די ראָמאַנטיש איינער,

דייַטשלאַנד די מילד ריז,

ינדיק די מאַסקט אַווענגער,

איטאליע די מאַקאַראָנען ענטוזיאַסט,

קאַנאַדע די ינוויסיבלע איינער,

טשיינאַ די אָולדאַסט,

האָנג קאָנג מיין ברודער,

פּרוססיאַ וואס וויל צו באַפאַלן מיין וויטאַלס ,

און פילע אנדערע.

דאָ זענען עטלעכע טרייץ זיי טיילן:

זאָכער

אַז ס פאקטיש וועגן עס.

מייַן בלויז ווייַבלעך ליבהאָבער איז טייוואַן.

I'm only being serious. But no, here's the actual poem:

עסן אין קריספּי קרעמע.

דאַנגקין דאָונאַט איז ניט ווי גוט.

גלייזד אַלע די וועג,

פּודער אנדערן טאָג.

שטיקל דאָונאַץ זויגן,

ווי טאָן זשעלע אָנעס.

קירבעס געווירץ טוט ניט אפילו מאַכן זינען.

און קלאָר זענען, נו ... קלאָר

אָבער דער בעסטער זענען פּעמפּיקל האָלעס!

אַולז זענען קיל ...

It was a "hoot".

**Currently in heaven...**

The Britannia Angel had just finished the embroidery design of his handkerchief when Taco Bell representatives contacted him and said they wanted to endorse in his cream puffs. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Arthur proclaimed as he got ready for his ballroom dancing class.

**Back at the volcano...**

As Alfred fell, he screamed obscenities at the Russian above him who he still had yet to retrieve the burger from. "You communist bastard!"  
Ivan sat down, his legs dangling over the ledge of the volcano's entrance, and watched the American fall down. The childlike smile remained on his face as he took in the moment and gave himself a mental pat on the back.

**Yay! ****McDonald's**

Ludwig was working his fully operational nuclear facility in the back room. Feliciano on the other hand, was having problems with an angry Austrian customer.

"Vhy is zis place so dirty. It's like some idiot had zhe German Sparkle party in here!"

"Um sir could you please just order something already?"

"And you, vhy do zey allow such young people to work in zis kind of place?"

"Well, the work force ran out of-"

"Enough. I shall take my business elsewhere." And out the door the well-dressed man went.

**Heaven, if we can still call it that...**

Arthur was so enthusiastic about his products increasing popularity in America and the UK that he wanted to expand to Africa. Since he thought it would be funny to turn one of the deserts into a dessert, the angel granted the wish of a particular American.

**The Volcano...**

Alfred had gotten out of the volcano using extra taco shells left at the bottom of the pit. When he got to the top, he saw Ivan relaxing in a lawn chair drinking vodka strait out the bottle. The double-cheese burger was on a small table next to the drinking figure.

"Back away from the burger you commie!" He charged at the table holding his prize but tripped and fell 5 feet short. Ivan laughed and shook his head. Getting up and grabbing the beloved burger, he took two long strides in front of the fallen American.

"Do you really want it?" He asked calmly.

Alfred lifted his head and nodded eagerly. "Yes. Please. Need. Hamburger. To. Survive."

"Enjoy!" The Russian dropped the double-cheese burger on top of his head and walked away.

Alfred took the sandwich and shouted for joy. He decided to take a picture of his victory with his iPhone, but because the volcano was in the middle of nowhere, there was no reception. So he ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and took a break to eat part of his cheese burger and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and jogged and ran and ran and ran until he was finally back in the desert. But now, it was a dessert, not a desert. Profiteroles as far as the eye could see. Alfred then dramatically fell to his knees and the half eaten burger rolled away and exploded.

The End... Or is it?

**Epilogue:**

Ivan expanded his empire to the rest of the eastern hemisphere.

Alfred ate pastries and bought an industrial cream remover with the money he earned with his hit signal "Hamburger Street".

Gilbert was detained forever.

Feliciano decided that the fast food industry was too much for him and became a professional pasta chef.

Kiku became a Yiddish folk legend.

Ludwig blew up Germany.

Toris hijacked Feliks's car.

Feliks's repainted his house pink.

Peter decided to go work at Taco Bell to pay off his fines.

Matthew became a polar bear breeder.

Mr. Hobo's koala became an illegal drug dealer.

Heracles was arrested after being caught dumping Adnan's body into a lake.

Lovino bought some tomatoes at Wal-Mart.

Antonio got a job at Wal-Mart so that he could spy on Lovino.

The Britannia Angel had many more successful deserts and became wealthy.

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A/N: So what did you think? Just to be clear, here are the countries that I used:

Alfred is America, Ivan is Russia, Gilbert is Prussia, Ludwig is Germany, Kiku is Japan, Feliciano is Italy, Toris is Lithuania, Feliks is Poland, Peter is Sealand, Matthew is Canada, Mr. Hobo is Australia, Heracles is Greece, Adnan is Turkey, Lovino is Romano, Antonio is Spain, the God of Beauty Francis is France, Yao is China, and the Britannia Angel/Arthur is England.

If you have any questions, you can PM me or something. Ideas, corrections, harsh critiques, and reviews are welcome and always appreciated.

In case there are any Kuroshitsuji fans out there, review and tell me if you got the Catnip Tequila reference -w-


	2. Chronicle 1 Part 2

A/N: Hello there! Sorry about the use of foreign phrases in the last chapter; I forgot to add the translations at the bottom. Forgive me?  
Any hows, let's get started!

Warning: Sorry if I offend or confuse anyone in the Yiddish poetry and/or French cream puff ad.

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**Yiddish Poetry Slam Entry 24: _ "Donuts..."_**

עסן אין קריספּי קרעמע.

דאַנגקין דאָונאַט איז ניט ווי גוט.

גלייזד אַלע די וועג,

פּודער אנדערן טאָג.

שטיקל דאָונאַץ זויגן,

ווי טאָן זשעלע אָנעס.

קירבעס געווירץ טוט ניט אפילו מאַכן זינען.

און קלאָר זענען, נו ... קלאָר

אָבער דער בעסטער זענען פּעמפּיקל האָלעס!

אַולז זענען קיל...

**English Translation:**

Eat at Krispy Kream,

Just know that Dunkin Donuts is good, too.

Glazed all the way,

Powder maybe the next day.

Cake donuts suck,

As do jelly ones.

Pumpkin spice does not even make sense,

And plain are, well... plain.

But the best are donut holes!

Owls are cool...

**French choux à la crème Ad:**

"Quelle est la dernière, délicieux dessert par NOGOM? Il est facile, choux à la crème. Pourquoi est-il mieux que le dessert, vous pouvez demander? Savez-vous pas déjà l'arrière de leur boîte? Les ingrédients vont pour plus de 250 mots! De la plus folle Zutaten protéines végétales texturées et mascarpone sont Esatz poudre subsitute. Il est triste quand vous substituts pour remplacer. Ces substituts ne sont même pas mangeable, ils sont génétiquement modifiés "produits alimentaires". Notre produit est certifié UDSA organique et vérifié par le projet non-OGM. Nous n'avons que onze ingrédients. Ceux qui tentent elle, adore! Critique alimentaire Ima Madeup dit, "Il a la saveur Eimen frais et un merveilleux zing pour un avant-goût." Disponible à Earthfare, Trader Joe, Kroger, et Costco et va bientôt être disponible chez Walmart, il est facile à trouver. Nous faisons également tous nos ingrédients en Amérique et un traitement humain à payer, qui tire bénéfice de nos travailleurs."

**English Translation:**

"What is the latest, delicious dessert by Angel and Company? It is easy, cream puffs. Why is it better than the other desserts, you may ask? Well just look at the back of their box. Ingredients go for more 250 words! From craziest Zutaten textured vegetable protein and mascarpone are Ersatz substitute powder. It's sad when you substitute to replace other ingredients. These substitutes aren't even edible, they're genetically modified "food stuffs." Our product is certified USDA organic and has been verified by the non-GMO project. We have eleven ingredients. Those who try it love it! Ima Madeup food critic said, "It has the flavor fresh Eimen and a wonderful zing for a taste." Available to Earthfare, Trader Joe's, Kroger, and Costco and will soon be available at Wal-Mart, it is easy to find. We also make all our ingredients in America, which benefits our workers by not outsourcing their jobs."

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A/N: What did you think, was it too bad? Again, sorry if I made any mistakes with the translations and/or confuse anyone. As you could probably tell, I'm not as fluent in French or literate in Yiddish.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Comments, ideas, reviews, and/or plain harsh critiques are always welcomed and appreciated! But if you don't have anything to say and just read, then I still appreciate the time you spend looking over my work.

Ja Ne! :3


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